Finding every f'ing silver lining

What’s been on my mind after my 15 year lupus anniversary in December. Post- lupus diagnosis, I felt so small. Like I was a nobody “anymore” - diminished and fully distressed 24/7. I lost my identify, a massive amount of weight, my career path and my independence. I couldn’t drive, barely walk, couldn’t cook, do laundry or make my bed.I was on so much physical pain so of course I couldn’t sleep and the tears would come up anytime I realized how abnormal my life had instantly become. I tried my best to maintain my sanity with a schedule and routine. I dragged my ass to Starbucks just to feel like I did something “productive” it felt more like self care than a coffee addiction.

I’d somehow get myself to the gym but there was just one machine I could use. Years later I bought one (recumbent bike with arms). I started meditation and using the affirmation, thank you for my healing. I did anything to stay sane and like I was “normal” but I walked around NYC feeling like an alien. My mom was right in it with me. We’d go to Buddha nails on 3rd Avenue as our escape. Once we went to see black swan, huge mistake because that felt like a greater assault on our systems than even the devastation of lupus.

Today I’m in a totally different place. I don’t feel jealous of people my age showing off pictures of their girls trips, which I can’t do. I may have missed every bachelorette weekend but I made it to every single wedding. Friends still cancelled me but I’ve made now are even better friends, and I cherish the good ones who stuck around. Life is hard with lupus but you learn to live harder, love harder and find every fucking silver lining to life that there is to find.